- Kathy Caprino is 57 years old and a career and personal success coach.
- Looking back on her past experiences, she realizes she was often chasing what other people wanted, instead of what she wanted.
- There are nine life lessons Caprino wishes she could impart to her younger self, including: express your creativity, get help when you need it, and don't waste time on "shoulds."
At 57 years old, I'm able to look back and view my life in an utterly different light from when I was 40, 30 or 20. So much of what I believed was crucial to my success and happiness when I was in my 20s and 30s proved to be erroneous and misguided.
And most of those misguided notions were based on the "shoulds" we are taught and hear every day — what society, our families, or the "group think" deems as "success" (meaning: make a lot of money, have a big house, rise to a high level in corporate America, strive for power and influence, etc.). The problem is that these outer measures of "success" simply cannot and will not give us the fulfillment, meaning and wholehearted contentment and peace we're longing for.
Interestingly, I achieved all of those measures of success at one point or another, and literally none of them have come close to yielding the happiness and fulfillment I craved.
On the other hand, the endeavors that have made me who I am today (and paved the way for so much more joy and deep fulfillment) are all around experiencing wholehearted love, honesty, compassion, healing, building strong boundaries, mustering intense commitment, taking big risks, and bravely standing up for who I really am at my core, and making as good use of that in the world as I can.
I've seen in working with and coaching thousands of people over the past 12 years that it's the very things that society warns us against, that tend to yield the most powerful returns in our lives. Society tends to subtly or overtly instruct us NOT to risk, NOT to follow our passions, NOT to rise up and speak up and stand up for authentic ourselves (if you're a woman even more so) or do the "stupid" thing that you feel in your heart is the right direction for who you really are. But societal thinking is often dead wrong.
In looking back, I've found there are 9 powerful lessons of my life that I wish I'd understand long before now. If I had known these 30 years ago, I would have not wasted so much time and energy on the wrong choices.
The top 9 lessons we need to learn before midlife are:
SEE ALSO: The best life advice of 2017
1. Make a brave decision on what you want to stand for
I've worked now with hundreds of adult children of narcissists around the world, and many others who were treated terribly and emotionally manipulated as children and adults.
When this happens to us as young children, our development is thwarted, and we find it very difficult to ever believe we're "good enough" or to speak up and stand up for who we really are (or even to dare to figure out what that is.) Even if we weren't mistreated as children, so many don't take a stand on the life they want to live.
It took me until I was 41 years old to start standing up and speaking up powerfully for myself and my life, and never again will I let others define or suppress me.
Before it's too late, you need to "find your brave" and make a powerful stand about who you want to be in the world, and what you stand for. It's also time to STOP tolerating and allowing what you can no longer accept, in your life and in the world.
Make the decision today to become the person you will be proud and honored to be, so you have no regrets when the time comes for you to leave this life.
What do you want to stand for, starting right now?
2. Never compromise your soul
There are things that it's ok to compromise on — perhaps the size of your home, or the geographic location of your job, or the length of your commute, or where you'll go for summer vacation. But it's NOT ok to compromise your soul. If you do, disastrous outcomes will occur.
Know what keeps your spirit alive, and honor that with all you've got.
For me, that's truth, transparency, compassion, strength and integrity. For years I couldn't freely express any of those without punishment or suppression. If I can't live those qualities in my work or my relationships, I start to wither, fail and disappear. But I've learned what's required to honor my soul, and I won't compromise it ever again.
What do you need to do to keep your spirit alive?
3. Engage your wisdom and discernment when you choose whom to love and trust
The people you choose to enter into relationships with — be it through marriage, friendship, business partnerships, work colleagues and those you hire to work with and for you — will dramatically impact the quality and condition of your life.
Don't let people into your life who will hurt or demean, diminish and mistreat you. Simply don't allow it. If you continually attract people who hurt or abuse you, you have to look at what is inside of you that needs healing so you won't repeat or continue to hook into abusive patterns over and over.
Be incredibly discerning about who you will give your heart and trust to. And if and when they violate your trust, care and respect, don't wait to do something self-affirming and powerful about it.
Who is in your life today that you now need to move away from?
See the rest of the story at Business Insider