- There are 8 different kinds of friends everyone needs in order to feel truly supported.
- Some of these types are: builders, champions, collaborators, and energizers.
- 'Builders' help motivate us, 'champions' are our personal cheerleaders, and 'collaborators' are the ones you share a lot of interests with.
- It's also important to have a 'companion' friend, who's always around when you need them, and an 'energizer' — who always has fun things to do.
Do your friends sometimes disappoint you? Ever feel like there is something missing in your relationships? You're not alone.
Tom Rath and the Gallup organization discovered something interesting: The vast majority of the time, no one pal offers you everything you need from your relationships.
Some of your friends are great listeners… but they're not always there when you need them. Others are intensely loyal… but just not that great at helping you out of a jam. And so on.
We get different things from different friends. And sometimes even with a sizable group you're still not getting all the things you want in order to feel truly supported in life. Kinda like how to be healthy you need the four different food groups — you can't just eat cookies for every meal.
"Friendship" is a pretty vague word. You generally don't even know everything you want from your relationships to feel whole — you just know something's missing. There's a gap.
So Rath and Gallup got to work. They surveyed over a thousand people to find out what the types of "vital friends" were — someone who if they vanished, your life satisfaction would noticeably decrease.
What did these types of friends offer? How do they round out your life? What are those things we all want from a group of friends to feel truly fulfilled?
Rath breaks down the results of their research in Vital Friends: The People You Can't Afford to Live Without.
It turns out there are 8 types of "vital friends." Many of us don't have all of them in our squad, and that's why we often feel disappointed or like we're not getting everything we need. (You have to collect all the different Pokemon to win at the game called life.)
So let's break down the 8 and get the basics on what they are, learn where you might meet the ones that are missing, and find out how to strengthen your relationships with the ones you already have. We'll also look at what you should do to be better at the role which you play in the lives of others.
Okay, time to get friendly...
SEE ALSO: If all you do is learn from your internship, you've completely missed the point
1. The Builder
Just because you're not in Little League anymore doesn't mean you don't need a coach. Someone who motivates you and encourages you to take it to the next level. That supportive friend who believes in your potential and won't let you rest on your laurels.
From Vital Friends: The People You Can't Afford to Live Without:
Builders are great motivators, always pushing you toward the finish line. They continually invest in your development and genuinely want you to succeed — even if it means they have to go out on a limb for you. Builders are generous with their time as they help you see your strengths and use them productively. When you want to think about how you can do more of what you already do well, talk to a Builder. Much like the best coaches and managers, these are the friends who lead you to achieve more each day.
Lacking a Builder in your life? We all need that person who nudges you to be all that you can be. Start asking more people for advice, then vet based on who gives solid answers and supports you. Who checks in with you a week later to see how things are progressing? That's your new Builder.
Want to make the Builder you have better? Tell them your goals and what you're struggling with. Tell them you appreciate their support… and give them permission to nag you if you slack.
What if you're a Builder? How can you be more helpful to your friends? Pay attention to what they're up to and offer help. Check in with them if goals they said were important do a vanishing act. Some people need a supportive voice in order to follow through.
My friend Jodie is a Builder par excellence. I tend to only do things that interest or excite me. So my life can get a little unbalanced. (That is a tsunami-sized understatement, by the way.) When I neglect things that, oh, "keep me breathing" or "make life worth living," Jodie offers reminders, support… and then nags me relentlessly. So I always do what she says…
Eventually.
Builders motivate you and keep you going. Who sings your praises to others?
2. The Champion
We all need a friend who isn't afraid to break out the pom-poms and play cheerleader. Somebody who roots for you and describes you to others in a way that makes you blush.
From Vital Friends: The People You Can't Afford to Live Without:
Champions stand up for you and what you believe in. They are the friends who sing your praises. Every day, this makes a difference in your life. Not only do they praise you in your presence, a Champion also "has your back" — and will stand up for you when you're not around. They accept you for the person you are, even in the face of resistance. Champions are loyal friends with whom you can share things in confidence. They have a low tolerance for dishonesty. You can count on them to accept what you say, without judging, even when others do not. Champions are your best advocates. When you succeed, they are proud of you, and they share it with others. Champions thrive on your accomplishments and happiness.
Need a Champion in your life? Look for the people who are always praising others. They're usually very humble and kind. So say hi.
Want to help your Champion help you? Regularly keep them abreast of what you've been doing and what your goals are. And don't forget to thank them when their help pays off. Champions live for that.
If you're a Champion, how can you improve? Ask your friends what they've been up to and how you can help. Think about different ways you can promote them. Maybe you've spread the word about their great work at the office — but have you ever complimented them in front of their spouse?
Luckily, I have Andy. Andy says things about me to other people that would make me want to meet me if I didn't already know myself. And he does this for all his friends. I can tell you that they are all very lucky people. But Andy would just tell you how awesome they are.
So maybe you have someone swinging pom-poms for you. But do you have that person to conspire with on that passion project?
3. The Collaborator
Who loves that same strange thing that you love? Who is that friend that the moment you see each other you roll up your sleeves and get to work on the next big caper?
From Vital Friends: The People You Can't Afford to Live Without:
A Collaborator is a friend with similar interests — the basis for many great friendships. You might share a passion for sports, hobbies, religion, work, politics, food, music, movies, or books. In many cases, you belong to the same groups or share affiliations. When you talk with a Collaborator, you're on familiar ground, and this can serve as the foundation for a lasting relationship. Indeed, in those conversations, you often find that you have similar ambitions in work and life.
How do you find yourself a Collaborator? Let the people around you know more about your interests and see who else happens to be into cryptozoology or 19th century pre-existentialism. Attend events where fellow enthusiasts gather.
What's a good way to encourage your current Collaborator? Send them articles about your mutual interest. Meet for coffee to discuss.
And what should you do to be a better Collaborator if you are one? Your mission, should you decide to accept it… Schedule a regular time to meet and work on your shared plan for Global Domination.
My buddy Mike is a grandmaster of all things visual. Mike and I don't do stuff together — we make stuff together. When I said I wanted to send my publisher some ideas for my book's cover, Mike fired up Photoshop. When I needed an author photo for said book, Mike's the one who took it. And per my above recommendation, I really should set a regular time to meet with him…
You have the Bonnie to your Clyde. Do you have the person you can call late at night when the worries get serious and you're having a dark teatime of the soul?
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